Evolving Shadow
by Munku-JGSPTV
Summary: Dreams either control you or they kill you. Kai knows this, but he doesn’t know he’s not alone. Companion fic to When I Hear Your Voice


**Summary:** Dreams either control you or they kill you. Kai knows this, but he doesn't know he's not alone.

**Author:** Munku-JGSPTV

**Warnings:** Songfic (a warning in case that's squick for you), slightly dark themes, suggested slash.

A.N.: Lyrics belong to The Battery Kids! Woot! If you haven't heard of them (I'm guessing 99.9999 of the people reading this), go ahead and check them out! (And email them and tell them Lenny is continuing in her shameless plugging!) Also, see my bio for other links because QuickEdit is still frustrating and hates me.

www.thebatterykids.tk

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Evolving Shadow

My shadow has always been my friend.

The Darkness, existing only when light is also present, following my every move. I was never afraid of the dark when a young child. Nor did I fear what existed in the dark that I couldn't see. I grew in the darkness, my bleeding-red eyes glowing in tandem with my other only friend – my phoenix, my eternally rising and self-sacrificing soul.

_Don't cry_

_You'll need the tears_

I am forced to share my existence with others, and I have accepted that fate. I have also accepted their need to remain constantly in the light, with cheerfulness and qualities that do not require redemption.

_And don't fight_

But my shadow does not show emotion.

So neither do I.

_You'll need the fear…_

I always knew how to control myself. Perhaps that was inherited from my grandfather. I think of him with bitterness now. Bitter, because I know what he has done to me, because it is due to him that I am what I have become, but I am also in pain, because I do not feel the loss.

Shouldn't I care that I've lost all of my self but my shadow?

So, should I ever have need for emotions, I would have control. There have been… lapses, I must acknowledge. The others that spend their time in my presence… I think if they had not _been_, I would be less feeling than I even am now.

They have made small impressions upon me. Of course, all trivial nonsense. I haven't changed. I don't think I ever will. And I'm not that I'd want to.

I have learned to see through my own pain. Pain. If I can call it that. I have been told thousands of times that I did not experience a normal childhood, and have been even comforted because of it. But how, when I barely remember my childhood, can I measure the pain? Others have seen far worse than I… Those in the abbey I could not help…

So, to mask any fears or troubles I may have, I have worked out a system. This system is quite simple, but complex to all outward appearances. And idiots like Tyson will never be able to appreciate it. My system allows me to focus on the positive, such as strength, revenge and growing in my power. I am twisted, you might say, but the pain can make it all so sweet.

_And laugh, though your eyes will weep_

In my past, I have relied on the darkness. My shadow, however, near constant companion, is afraid of the dark. It has fallen where I could not. It has failed me.

When I was alone, in a mansion of terror, curled on my side on a bed far too large for any child, I could not sob in the darkness. My loneliness prevented any shedding of the truth.

When I was tested with training of burning agony, I felt no remorse for my own soul.

When I was lying in a hotel room, waiting for my team to return from victory.

All within myself, by myself, no shadow to remind me of the light. For shadows do not dwell within the solely-blackened night.

_So you can_

_Sing yourself to sleep_

I had harnessed everything. I did not know for what future purpose I felt I had reconciled to myself all my emotions and strength. The pitifulness of my team mates often led me to exasperated teeth-gritting. I was superior, there were inferior; and that was all.

_We were strong_

I began to think, after enduring their antics for a few years, that they weren't 'so bad after all'. Tyson and his hunger, Max and his grin, Kenny spending hours behind obscuring glasses with Dizzy, Rei and his…

I began to change, I think. It wasn't a pleasant experience.

Still, I had the darkness with me, always…

_We had faith_

I sought to believe in some truth that there was goodness in the world. That goodness, it seemed to me, could be represented by a few class idiots. It was not comforting that to share this quality I might have to be like them.

Still, I was never in total despair.

My shadow showed changes in my appearance – my hair, my growing height. But a vapour of my image could not expose how the strain slowly lifted from my face, and my lip quirked at the infuriating fools being… themselves.

_We had hope_

There was one thing I saw in them that I did not have.

They carried with them not the darkness I inhaled, but happiness.

My fears had led me this far, and finally I could see what I truly sought.

It was not dependent on myself or my inner darkness, but an emanating, blinding source – another person.

_We gave our trust_

I relished in the joy I experienced. It was _freeing_. I was not bound by my foreseen fate, I was able to simply be.

But, brief was this joy.

I had trusted light, and it failed me. Darkness hid herself from me. I could no longer find myself in my shadow.

_But we were wrong_

I did not know who I was any longer.

_And now we're mad_

I had taken a chance – something I was never previously inclined to do, and I learnt never to make such things possible again.

A terrible rage filled me. I became angry at every other person, my team mates, whom I had finally seen as friends, those who taught me how to live, and my grandfather. My grandfather, who originally filled me with this lust for torturing myself with the pain. The pain and the lack of progress.

_At the world for lying to us_

I could not comprehend it, but I felt betrayed. It was not a simple feeling, but it overwhelmed my moments more and more often as the rage subsided.

I watched the people I thought I had once known, and for the first time grieved within myself.

_So don't cry_

_You need the tears_

I lay on my bed, creasing the sheets as I kept turning to try and find a comfortable position. I stared at the ceiling, my hands tight and fisted, while my mind strained to find reason.

_So don't fight_

_You need the fear_

It never occurred to me to feel into my heart for the answer.

_And laugh, though your eyes will weep_

Once again, I felt bitter. I curled on my bed, silent screams trailing down like open gashes from my pained eyes.

I had never imagined this.

I don't believe I had ever imagined anything.

And, even as I turned my back away from the figure in the doorway, I knew that my dreams, whatever they had been, had overcome me.

It could not happen again.

I would rise again from dark flames and conquer.

I thought I would not succeed, but I would not be alone.

A fingertip caressed my stained cheek.

As I looked to the floor, I saw a dark shadow. It flowed on to the ground, beautiful companion.

_So you can_

_Sing yourself to sleep…_

I did not recognise that the shadow was not my own.


End file.
